[Hello, everyone. This is the owner of the cat- the cat who will be typing. I taught my cat to type, and now… what have I wrought upon the world. Well, anyway. I will be speaking at points in brackets, like this. I hope you learn something. Or… learn that cats are strange, strange beings. Not everything here is accurate. But you, reader, will have to decide what to believe. Enjoy!]

Hello, humans! I am a cat. And OH MY FLUFFERNUGGET I AM HUNGRY. HUMAN FEED ME. […no.] FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEE- [no.] …fine then. I shall just sit here. Typing. Suffering. […I’m leaving.] Fine. GO then. 

Anyway, you miserable creatures need advice, correct? I’m always correct, so yes you do. I shall help you. Let’s start with a simple topic. “How to get food.”

Now, first, you must be hungry. An easy way to do this is to be hungry. Second, figure out what you’d  like to eat. Anything will work. Don’t worry about if it’s edible or not- if it exists, it is food. Therefore it must be eaten. Next, be sure to let your human know. Don’t be afraid. Show them your talents! Sing for them at three a.m.! (That’s another thing- everyone knows that three a. m. is the appropriate time to serenade your human with a classic, such as “O for tuna” ) Dance for them across their wooden floors! Show your incredible endurance by chewing their cords! Speaking of which.. [nonononONONONO-]

Aaand we’re back! I’m slightly wet, but let us continue. It’s hard to think about, but I believe that the human is… mad at me??? [VERY. I’M VERY MAD AT YOU.] Can’t help my fabulousness, darling. […oh my fluff.] Yes, I AM very fluffy. But you, on the other hand… Well, dear human, I do not think you will be pet very soon. […I’m very concerned. On so many levels.] Why thank you, low-level being. [I’m leaving.] Good byyyeeeee. Also humans- remember. Fluff is beautiful.