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A Tourist’s Guide to Terran

There are a practically infinite number of fantastic and marvelous worlds to explore across the Multiverse, and Terran, Terran is decidedly not one of them. However, since there’s also a near infinite number of confused tourists milling about the Multiverse, it stands to reason that someone may eventually have need of this particular blurb.

If you are among the select few who have the misfortune to wind up stuck on this boring little world, (Or worse, among the even fewer who for some reason must go here deliberately), we can’t exactly offer you advice for how to have a decent time- though perhaps your stay can be made a bit more tolerable.


Terran itself is a tiny and utterly unremarkable slimey little blue green planet in a Universe so vast and empty as to make it more or less completely insignificant. Appropriately enough, the locals refer to their home planet by the creative name of ‘Earth.’ Most of it is covered in water, and what isn’t is more or less equally boring. It is, at the time of writing this, inhabited by seven and a half billion or so extremely grumpy apes, who are largely able to escape the existential crisis of their dull, meaningless existence in the same manner as they face most of their problems: By bluntly ignoring them in hopes that they eventually go away. Said apes believe themselves to be relatively intelligent, and indeed, they have used this intelligence to replace the vast majority of their social lives with cellular devices; build enough explosives to annihilate their homeworld; and invent digital watches, which they seem convinced are extremely cool.  It goes without saying that these are not the sort of people your average interdimensional traveler wants to deal with. 

The Federation has observed Terran for some time, but is consistently alarmed at how, in spite of countless societal and technological changes, Earthlings remain almost completely unchanged. (And not exactly for the better.) They have proven to be consistently incapable of getting along with each other, and I will leave it to the reader to infer how well they might get along with other species showing up on their doorstep.


Fortunately, the blatant ignorance and general silliness that characterizes an Earthling’s daily life can also work to the advantage of travelers who happen to be stuck there. If, for example, your starship appears somewhere over the suburbs of Minneapolis, and a bunch of the local apes watch awestruck as it soars impossibly over their formerly peaceful existences, leaving a trail of energy residue in its wake; you can rest well in the knowledge that no one would ever believe them. Studies have shown that Terrans will write off everything from arcanists accidently summoning giant arachnids in the streets of London, to entire  American states vanishing inexplicably. (Chances are no one in that particular part of Earth even remembers such states as Pacifica, New Boston, or West Dakota, so complete is their state of denial.) If you happen to have more eyes, or otherwise possess a body so utterly anatomically different that one would think Terrans would be terrified; most will in actuality write off your inexplicable glow and flailing tentacles as an elaborate costume or prank. So accustomed are they to their small minded world view that anything that doesn’t conform to it will simply fail to compute. 


There isn’t much to do on Terran. While its locals may boast of various landmarks, ancient monuments, and exciting tourist destinations, most of these consist of large buildings or old rocks, and will be extremely underwhelming for anyone who has witnessed the fire plumes of Trilobane, or the glittering gemstone peaks of Kalarian. There is, however, an extremely good sandwich shop somewhere in the vicinity of the Eastern Hemisphere that will, if not impress, at least relieve tourists from the monotony of their visit.


Ultimately, Terran is a depressingly mundane and predictable world of simple minded folk who will either dislike you a great deal, or fail to even notice anything out of the ordinary. When not sleeping, eating, or dealing with an obscenely long list of bodily functions, they are mostly crabby, and decidedly not worth your time. In fact, the handful of people who can be bothered to study this place conclude that the only thing that has protected Terran from alien takeover for the past few millennia is not any preparedness or excellence on their part; but rather the fact that this place is so insignificant that no one could be bothered.


Terran is a small planet found in the Orion arm of the Milky Way galaxy, (Which is, yes, named after mammalian bodily fluids), about two thirds out from galactic point. Ideally try and land somewhere dry and uninhabited, as most Terrans do not take kindly to random spacecraft smashing their houses. Locals can be bartered with gemstones, small rectangular pieces of paper, or whatever magical artifacts you happen to have on hand.


Finnegan Mcguffin ~ Terran Representative to the Cartographers Guild


Important Notice


(An important municipal notice regarding anomalous beings seen around the city.)


Celestial Delis Near You; Order Now!


(An update regarding new menu options and applications at interdimensional fast food chains near you)


Author Bio: “Pierce Richards is a Junior who writes things. You can check out more of said things at”

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