There are several questions that people ask the Guild quite frequently. These questions mainly seem to consist of ‘Can I eat this thing?’ (If you’re asking, the answer is no), ‘How do I travel to other worlds? You’ve been kind of vague about that!’ (No, we aren’t, if you’re asking then you’re probably just not going to figure it out), and finally, (Oddly enough), our most frequently asked question seems to consist of a wide variety of angry accusations and demands regarding water buffalos. We could devote a whole section to water buffalo, and why they’re important to interdimensional travelers- but instead, we’ve devoted this one to another age old inquiry- are aliens real?
Obviously, yes, aliens are real! This is an alarmingly stupid question, and we’re surprised people even bother to send it to us, as it always tends to offend all the aliens who work for the Guild. Which is to say pretty much everyone. Furthermore, ‘Alien’ is a pretty subjective term- though in this sense, we assume our readers mean ‘anyone who doesn’t come from my homeworld, or happens to have an overabundance of limbs?’ Since Aliens are, (Obviously), a real thing, we’re instead dealing with the far more pertinent question about how you should behave around extraterrestrial beings. Please keep in mind that, while Earthlings in particular may be thoroughly convinced that aliens aren’t real, this is largely because my dear old homeworld is a lot less… interesting, in the grand scheme of things, than they think they are. I mean, seriously- you can hardly expect an obscure, poorly developed world that is literally named after dirt to be particularly interesting to interdimensional tourists.
Anyways, returning to the point at hand:
- The first and most important thing to keep in mind when interacting with aliens is that you are likely just as alien to them as they are to you. While you, as an Earthling, may think that their overabundance of toes, spiked tail, three glowing eyeballs, and surprisingly large head are unusual, this is pretty mild in all honesty. The primary complaints about Earthlings are that they don’t have enough limbs, smell horrible, and are completely lacking in terms of imagination and/or sanity. Keeping this in mind, you should never assume that people will consider you normal! Statistically speaking, in an infinite multiverse, there really isn’t an ‘average’ appearance, and the first step in not mauling your extraterrestrial friends is accepting them for what they are!
- Going off this point, culture clash is a serious problem for interdimensional travelers, and the reason why friendly greetings can be misinterpreted as declarations of war. Even if you remembered to pack your Universal Translator, (That is, that handy earpiece looking thing that can translate the dialects of countless different universes), this is no guarantee that your gestures, appearance, or intense love of flowcharts will not be misinterpreted. Earthlings in particular are alarmingly bad at first contact- I scoured the archives, and didn’t have to look long to find various amusing scenarios- including a situation in which a party of Earthlings was eaten by a deadly Argylian, (Being unaware that this was a friendly way of saying hello in Argylian culture), and another scenario in which a group of Earthlings tried to befriend a race with a religious hatred of digital watches.
- Assuming that you overcome lingual, anatomical, and geometrical barriers, the final thing to remember is that humoring your extraterrestrial friends is key to showing that you are willing to accept their practices. Some of the weirder Earthling practices include their religious revere for burly men kicking the treated skin of a dead pig around a field, their belief in an obese arctic toymaker in a red suit who delivers gifts to the righteous, and their inexplicable love of digital watches. Remember- aliens do not instinctively hate you! This is mostly because Earth is too obscure of a world for them to know just how weird earthlings are.
Have any questions about traveling the Multiverse, interesting things you can find in the Multiverse, or secret organizations that may try and obliterate you from distant parts of the Multiverse? You could have your question featured in this section of practical advice for interdimensional travelers! Translate your letter into morse code, encrypt it within a tier three Ether spool, and throw the device into an active volcano while screaming the name of the forty second president of the interdimensional trade federation.
