The Celestial Deli ID Food Network would like to announce some noteworthy changes to this year’s menu; as well as employment opportunities for aspiring sandwich makers. Stop by a Celestial Deli on a plane of the Multiverse near you, and check out these fantastic new offers!
-Customers new and old will be excited to try out our latest addition of the ‘Transcendent Revelation’ sandwich, now on Marble Rye or Whole grain bread! Made with celestial juices, cosmic dust, and a special new ingredient whose name cannot be spoken by mortal tongues, this delicious delicacy is sure to bring astounding new discoveries to anyone who dares consume it! Also check out the new ‘Spicy Spiderwich,’ now for only 3,000 credits. (Seasoned customers may recognize this as basically the same thing as last month’s ‘Sweet n’ Sour Spiderwich,’ with more spider eyeballs, and you would be correct!)
-Also, any customers wishing to purchase spider eyeballs in bulk from their local Deli are encouraged to do so! Due to some minor mistakes with restocking this year, we have more spider eyeballs than we can use by several orders of magnitude, and will be happy to sell them for considerably lower than market prices to any arcanists or gourmets who happen to be interested.
-The Deli would also like to remind customers that they will not be held responsible for any or all damages that result from any of our ‘Tier Three’ class of sandwiches, (Including such fan favorites as the Nuclear Blastwich, the Biohazardous Spikewich, and the much beloved, but extremely hazardous Laser Gunwich, which customers are reminded cannot legally be considered an illicit arms deal, and is perfectly within the jurisdiction of an interdimensional sandwich shop.) If you or a loved one has been grievously injured or forcibly removed from the realm of the living by such a sandwich, the Celestial Deli offers its consolations, and gently reminds you that there are no legal avenues available to you!
Looking for interesting customers, interesting sandwiches, and perhaps even the occasional paycheck? Celestial Delis near you are now hiring! If you are a vaguely humanoid being, (or capable of assuming a vaguely humanoid form), and have an interest in sandwiches, and/or getting paid, this job may be for you! The Celestial Deli is hiring beings of all ages, willing to work full or part time shifts. We have flexible hours available, thanks to time distortion devices recently installed in various Delis near you; and will work with a variety of schedules. Applicants must have a corporeal form during their shift, ideally capable of resisting toxic fumes, subliminal seduction, and molten runoff from more dangerous ingredients; and must have at least two limbs capable of using various tools around the Deli. We are no longer hiring sentient clouds of gas, ghosts, and other incorporeal beings, and would like to apologize to any such beings hired previously, as the Deli is no longer able to facilitate your needs in the workplace.
Have bigger aspirations? Want to own your very own Deli? Long time employees are allowed to invest in a Deli of their own to manage, should they pass basic managerial standards, (As well as the fabled Trials of Trilobane, and Trial by single combat.) In no time at all, you too could own your very own corner of the Celestial Deli Franchise!
Stop by your nearest Celestial Deli today for sandwiches, excitement, and job applications the likes of which you and your feeble mind have likely never conceived. Trust us- there’s more to any sandwich than meets the eye.
About the author: Pierce Richards is a Junior who writes things. You can check out more of said things at prcrichards.wixsite.com/portfollio.
