One of the questions the Cartographers Guild is most frequently asked is more or less as follows: ‘Traveling around the Multiverse sounds like a great idea, but how do I do so personally?’ This is an interesting question- primarily because we at the Guild aren’t really sure how you keep mailing us these obnoxious questions if you don’t already know how to travel between worlds- or at least send mail between worlds.
Well, we have answered this question at length numerous times- but, in the interest of repeating ourselves over and over again, we’ve decided to offer a brief and handy means of traveling between dimensions of the Multiverse at will. The standard Guild method, as detailed in our hopelessly muddled archives, is as follows:
- Obtain a chicken shaped hat, three bars of solid gold, an enchanted hunk of amethyst weighing no less than 4.2 ounces, a pair of neon green boxer shorts OR the soul essence of a lesser Argylian. Build a smelting furnace, and use molten lava to smelt said materials into a confused mass. Do not smelt the chicken hat, but wear it on your head while smelting the other materials. While doing so, recite the Pythagorean theorem over and over again.
- Take the smelted mass of random junk, and bake it into a raspberry pie. Pie making is a refined art, and one should always remember to fold in the butter using a pastry blender, chill the dough for at least an hour, crimp the edges, and recite the arcane rites of Wazroth, like you would with any ordinary pie.
- Infuse the pie with more Argylian soul essence, and offer it to a geometric tesseract in exchange for the unknowable triangular powers of the spatial domain. You can then use these powers to defeat a Greater Arborback in your nearby area, and take its energy pearl. These pearls can be traded with local Federation merchants for a cucumber, which is a very rare commodity, save for a handful of worlds in which it can actually be cultivated.
- While holding the cucumber, run around in circles and say ‘Blandervick’ thirty seven times, visualizing the world you’re trying to travel to.
- Disregard the previous four steps. You can travel to alternate dimensions by countless different means, ranging from interspatial telephone boxes to multiversal biplanes and magical orbs. Many people can travel between universes at will. If you’re reading this section, you’re probably not one such person. In the event that this method actually does work for you, however, feel free to utilize it.
Have any questions about traveling the Multiverse, interesting things you can find in the Multiverse, or deadly ecological disasters you may encounter in the Multiverse? You could have your question featured in this section of practical advice for interdimensional travelers! Engrave your question on a quartz tablet, then seal the tablet in an iridium vault with explicit instructions to be opened exactly 42 hundred million years after it is buried with your second favorite pastry blender and third best tuxedo.
